The Straight Poop.

Tales, Stories, Vulgarity, Movies, and Pictures... Everything not on the webbernet.

PS. My stories are from instant thought. I don't spell check, I don't go back and re-read. If they don't make sense... well... neither do I.

I just got blasted with X-Rays. Do I het super powers now?

Meeting AZ for some muther fuckin BBQ!!! (@ monsterfoot production offices) [pic]: http://4sq.com/gdaTiB

The Beginning of Something Awesome…Part 1

Not too long ago I came across a man. Filled with rage and hate this man was, I thought it only appropriate to mug the shit out of him. Never having mugged anyone before I thought I’d do some research on the subject.

Chapter 1: www.google.com

I googled How to mug someone, and much to my surprise there were plenty of helpful hints and tips AS WELL AS youtube videos on the subject. After about 30 seconds of looking I felt pretty confident that my mugging prowess was aces!

Chapter 2: Mug a Man Filled with Rage and Hate

I went back to where I first saw the guy filled with rage and hate that I was destined to mug the shit out of. I waited, and waited, and waited, but my rage filled friend was a no show. Two weeks became three, three weeks became two months, still no Rage Cage, I lost my job, my apartment, I was homeless with no one to mug. I had no desire to mug anyone else, just him, I knew he needed a mugging. I was able to wrangle up a sharpie and a piece of card board and wrote the following, “Looking for a man filled with rage and hate to mug, if you have any tips or suggestions please feel free to pass them my way!” Apparently people found this sign funny and started giving me money I had no intention to ask for, but who wants to turn down free money? 

Chapter 3: Homeless, but not Pennyless

It had been a year since this whole thing started. I was homeless, with no one to mug, but I had made about $74,000 in hand outs, so life wasn’t too bad. However there was still this hunger I had to mug the shit out of someone. I had the money to clean myself up, start living a normal life, but I knew I wouldn’t be satisfied, so I kept doing what I did best, standing on a freeway exit with my awesome sign.

Chapter 4: Cleanin Up My Act

Two years had passed since this shit began, I was getting really tired of it, not the getting free money part, just the part where all I did was stand in the same spot. SOOOOO BORING!!! I had about $215,000 saved up, yes, in two years of standing on a freeway exit I made almost a quarter of a million dollars, I knew I wasn’t going to see the Rage filled guy ever again, I should have mugged him when I had the chance… Oh well. I decided it was time to pack it in and get back to life. I threw away my sign, said goodbye to some of the locals I had made acquaintance with over the past couple years, and went on my way. I stopped by a local thrift store, picked up a pair of converse all star’s, some jeans, and a red t-shirt that read: “Guitar” in a Coca-Cola font. I went to a Rite-Aid and picked up some shampoo, a razor, and some deodorant, and head to the nearest motel I could find.  

Chapter 5: Someone gets the Shit Mugged Out of Them

I entered the motel, a buzzer alerting a clerk to my arrival. I waited at the front desk for a minute, then five, I started ring the silver bell on the counter. Finally a grumpy rage filled guy came out. HOLY SHIT!!!!!! It was him!!! The guy I wanted to mug two years ago!!! Here he was, as hate and rage filled as every before!!! He snapped at me, “What the hell do you want!?” I was speechless, this muther fucker was about to get mugged. “I need a room.” was all I could muster up, “Give me $39.95, and don’t cum on the fucking sheets!” I handed him $40 and told him to keep the change, he tossed a key at me and wandered into his back office. I stammered in shock down the hall to my room. I walked in, put my stuff down, walked into the shower, gave myself a shaving, I looked human once more. I still couldn’t get this piece of shit out of my head. I walked out of my room, and headed across the street to a bus stop and just sat their and watched, waited, went over the 30 seconds of information I learned about 2 years ago on how to mug someone. When the old man gets off work tonight I’m going to mug the fuck out of him! 2:00am…. A portly woman enters the motel, and I watch her and the old man kiss. It wasn’t just a kiss, it was more of an exchange of WAY too much DNA, it was fucking gross, she was their to relieve him, in more ways than one. By 2:10am the old man left the motel and headed East, my least favorite direction, and I followed. It was dark, cold, but so was I. I waited two years for this moment, my heart was beating out of my chest, the closer I got the more real it became. I was within arms reach of him, this was it, my moment of reckoning, this Old hate filled rage filled man was about to get his come-upins! My fists tightened into rocks, I cocked back my right arm and let fly with all of my might a punch right into the back of the old bastards head. BOOM!!!! He fell flat on his face, I did it! This is really happening!!!! I drive my foot into the back of his neck keeping him pinned to the ground as I search his pockets, what happened next? I got stuck with a fucking Needle!!!! A GODDAMN NEEDLE!!!! This was the last fucking thing I needed. The old fuck started to laugh, hearing him laugh though his muffled blood soaked face was an unsettling sound. I ripped the needle out of my hand, and continued to search, I found some kind of phone, it looked like an iPhone 4 but flat like a credit card. I started to feel light headed, the old man just kept on laughing, “What are you laughing at you mean old bastard?!” He forced his body around, his face was a bloody mess from hitting the ground face first “You were supposed to mug me two years ago you fucking pussy!” It had to be whatever was in the needle, did I hear him right? He looked at me with his disgusting bloodied face, “You better answer that call.” The old man just started laughing like a fucking maniac… RING, RING… I looked down at the card phone, and a name popped up on the screen, “Folem Dark” I slid my finger across the screen, I was scared, I was passing out…”Helloooooooooo……?”