Snikt! Like Snikt so freakin hard.

Like a child actor growing before our fantastical eye balls, we have seen Hugh Jackman age before our very eyes, and he ages oh so well, like a fine wine you want to bang. (Editor’s note, totally not gay.  Maybe like 98% straight.) I would like to take you on a journey to the year 2000, when this up an coming studio called 20^th Century Fox produced a film directed by some guy named Bryan Singer, about a bunch of freaks who were all magical and shit, but it turns out they were actually mutants and not magical at all, except the metal guy who was a wizard once. In this film, we will call it, Malcom X-Men, because of the deep ethnic cast, one “mutant” really stood out, Jubilee, I mean, she ran through a goddamn wall, the other Mutant who kind of stood out was some jabronis name Wolverine, played by the then unknown actor, Hugh or Huge Jackman, because he is so jacked of course. He unique brand of awesome would plant the seed for 17 years of hit and miss Wolverining, until of course the year 2017, when Hugh jacked the screen off and mutated all over every single person in the audience.

I will try and make this as spoil free as possible, wish me luck.

Logan takes place in the year 2029, and this future isn’t a bullshit future like Blade Runner or Back to the Future II (ish), it’s very grounded with some minor but realistic future type things. Director James Mangold kept the film very grounded and did something that should be impossible, he took a 17-year-old character, Wolverine, who has appeared in now 10 films, and made him fresh like nothing you have ever seen before. It’s safe to say thanks to the massive success of Deadpool and its “R” rating, Mangold was able to convince the studio, that this is the direction that they need to go for Logan, as that is who Wolverine is. He is a hard hitting, no bullshit having mutant, who swears like a sailor and kills the shit out of people like me at a zombie disco.

Logan opens with a pace that is nearly impossible to sustain, but it doesn’t matter because you need a minute to reset, and just when you think you’ve recovered, you are thrust right back into action, action and more action. The best part about this film however, isn’t the action, that’s just obviously insanely cool and next level with the ability to do “R” rated killing, no, the best part of this film is the father, son, daughter story that sneaks up on you and gut punches you with sadness and laughter.

We get an old, salty Professor X (Patrick Stewart), and the new comer X-23 (Daphne Keen) who are both on point. For 17 year’s we are used to seeing the calm, cool and collect Professor X, but oh no, not this time around. We are treated to a withered husk of the Professor we all once knew. He is insane, funny, dark, but the Professor X of old is still there to remind you why you loved him in all the X-Men films. X-23, is the Hit-girl (Chloë Grace Moretz, Kick-Ass) for the new generation. She is terrifying, adorable, and when watching her in action, you believe that if you got in a fight with her, she would kick your ass. Logan marks Daphne Keen’s feature film debut, and I’m fairly certain we will be seeing a lot more of her in the years to come. Ya, at this point I’m gonna call a New Mutant film starring X-23, boom.

Logan also stars Stephen Merchant as Caliban, who is a far cry from his comic book counterpart, but was awesome none the less. However, I feel he was underused, and we never got a chance to see him become the Caliban from the comics. While I enjoyed Merchant as the character, He almost served no purpose, save to baby sit a nutter Professor X.

Rounding out this awesome cast was Boyd Holbrook as Donald Pierce, leader of the Reavers, and while his performance was good, and he was enjoyable to watch, this was the weakest part of the film. Sadly, there just wasn’t enough time for them to flesh out these characters and their purpose. In the X-Men comic books, the Reavers are a group of cyborgs with bionic implants, who are basically kick ass mercenaries. Originally lead by Bonebreaker, Skullbuster, and Pretty Boy, then after getting owned by the X-Men, they later get reorganized by Donald Pierce. I understand that there is literally no time to get into any of that, but the Reavers in Logan, just aren’t that intimidating, and in the end unless you know them from the comics, you probably won’t remember them being called Reavers and you will just think they are rando soldiers. Like I said, this is the weakest part of the film, but it wasn’t so weak that it would ruin the movie going experience.

We get a great guest appearance by a dude who is a bit over weight and you’re like, I know you man… I know you… Then BOOM, that’s freakin Eriq La Salle! Yes! Dr. Peter freakin Benton from ER. He is awesome, powerful, and exciting to see on screen again.

Now back to that family jazz I mention a minute ago. Without jamming it down your throat, family is very present in Logan. Professor X acts the father to an aged Wolverine, and Wolverine is the reluctant father figure to a fatherless X-23. Their family story literally brought a tear to my eye, and if you are a father with a daughter or have a strong relationship with your dad, then this will hit home, as it did with me. The three of them just work so well together, I could have sat there and watched a road trip movie with them, which this probably could have been, but thankfully wasn’t.

Do you want to see this movie? Yes, yes you do. It has heart, action, amazing characters, action, Hugh Jackman, shirtless, me, pant-less. This is by far the best Wolverine stand-alone film, and I’d say it is maybe one fo the best X-Men films, if not the best. It’s sad to see this come to an end, let’s hope it makes a fortune, and maybe Hugh will have a change of heart, or just party down with everyone’s favorite Merc with a mouth, Deadpool. I don’t rate movies, because who gives a shit, I just tell it like it is. You will like Logan, you will like it so much that you will thank me in kisses and gold doubloons.